esa lengua celestial

moving.....

2005-10-27T08:03:00.000-05:00

this blog has been moved (at least temporarily) to stherling.wordpress.com. I haven't quite got the hang of WordPress yet, nor have I updated all my links and such, but do come and join the fun in the meantime ;)

twiddles thumbs

2005-10-21T10:55:00.000-05:00

what's the use of getting phenomenally great MCAT scores if schools don't send you interview invites within the next week??

I'm starting to think that maybe the whole applying to MSTP programs at only 5 schools (4 of which are Top10 schools) was not such a smart idea.

*sniff*
why doesn't anyone want me??

sleepless nights

2005-10-08T08:01:00.000-05:00

it's been awhile, my dear readers (yes, all 0.289 of you). Recent news: I have just turned 24, my MD-PhD applications are as complete as I can make them, waiting only for Harvard(damn them) to acknowledge that they've received my letters of recommendation, and my MCAT scores to be released this Friday. I have had one hour of sleep since 8am yesterday morning, and I watched about 4.8 episodes of Grey's Anatomy in the last 12 hours. In the last few weeks I have read 6/7 books in the Piers Anthony Incarnations series and about half of Peter Singer's Practical Ethics, a book that I first met 5 years ago as a chapter on a philosophy class' reading list. For the first time in my life I am contemplating turning vegetarian, so I have postponed further reading of this book until after this evening's hopefully extremely tasty barbecue.

I couldn't sleep last night, for some reason, so apart from watching my now all time favorite TV series, I sat up playing the guitar, writing songs that still don't sound right, reading inane pre-medical forums, sending deranged and sleep-deprived emails to old friends, contemplating my sleeping boyfriend, and staring at the glorious wild and overgrown backyard that we have and can now see through the screen door we jammed into place recently.

life isn't half bad.

caffeine and dependency

2005-09-29T07:43:00.000-05:00

I was reading this article today, as part of my recent attempt to get myself up to speed on happenings in the world outside my little bubble of existence.... we also signed up for Scientific American, Discover and The Economist in a bid to round ourselves out a little.

But anyway. this issue with caffeine has long been, well, not a peeve of mine, but certainly something that's made me look twice at the people around me. At Penn, two groups of people stood out to me as caffeine drinkers... the geeks (or dorks... for some reason people take offence to one word or the other) and the business school students. In both those groups (and elsewhere, just to a lesser degree), it seems that coffee drinking, much like philosophical malaise in our generation, or pride in the Christian community, was the 'vice' of choice. With coffee drinking, people then proceed to take one of two stands: the oh-my-god-i-couldn't-survive-without-it, throw-hands-up-and-feign-despair stand, made up of people who closetly think it's cool to be on a drug of some sort, and the oh-no-i'm-not-addicted-to-it-i-just-have-to-have-some-everyday-or-i-get-headaches stand, made up of people who have some sort of moral stand against addiction but refuse to admit that their caffeine dependence is at the very least strongly leaning in that direction.

Why do people brush dependence aside so casually? we joke about addiction to shopping, movies, video games, what have you.... when did it become ok to become dependent in this fashion? And, equally importantly, why do I care so much? Why am I obsessed with dependence and people's cavalier attitude to it?

It all started with caffeine. I got really tired of friends boasting about how little sleep they needed and how much coffee they drank. I didn't want to be functioning on 4 hours of sleep unless i had to! I started making it a point to treat myself better, making an effort to get a reasonable amount of sleep so I could function during the day without a jolt of tea in the morning. but most of all it was simply striking to me that most of the people I knew would not be able to function if they didn't have a morning java, and possibly a few more over the course of the day. it was even more striking that many of them reported needing more and more coffee because it wasn't affecting them as much, but this wasn't setting off any warning bells in their heads. even more striking was that they still refused to admit they were addicted.

maybe addicted is a bad word.... how about dependent? If you can't function without something, that makes you dependent. As humans, we are naturally dependent on certain things, e.g. food, water, oxygen, warmth. why does the prospect of becoming dependent on other things, e.g. caffeine, anti-depressants, painkillers, bother me so much?

I think it's because well, we can't control the natural dependencies. but we can control the rest. and, moreover, we don't know what they're doing. more importantly, i think reliance on things like caffeine, anti-depressants and painkillers often mask the problem at hand. We seem to prefer quick fixes to facing things head on. If you always need caffeine to stay awake, you are most likely chronically tired. painkillers similarly treat symptoms without dealing with underlying causes.

anti-depressants and anti-anxiety drugs.... now that's trickier. It certainly comes down to your personal philosophy of where the underlying causes lie. are they biological? are they psychological? both? unfortunately this is compounded by a lack of good scientific evidence in any direction. depression and anxiety, like most psychological disorders, are diagnosed by symptoms, not by causes, because we haven't a fucking clue as to what's behind either.

I am anti-medication for psychological problems. not because I don't believe they have a biological element. but because we as yet do not have a clear understanding of how the biology works, AND the only scientific evidence we have about treatment efficacy shows that cognitive and behavioral therapy are on par with pharmacology. not only that, there's a big placebo effect as well. so why tinker with your brain if you don't have to? Also, good therapy is structured with the goal of getting you to the point at which you no longer need therapy. medication, in part because it is pushed by large drug companies, is rarely prescribed in that way.

There's also something about not invading the brain with our axe-like drugs... studying brain function and neuroanatomy has only reinforced to me how complex we are, and how that complexity is built up by our day to day interactions. our brains have millions upon millions of intricately connected neurons, communicating with each other using neurotransmitters that we are only barely beginning to understand. to then take the equivalent of a club and bludgeon it (which is what you do when you take a drug that indiscriminately and brainlessly acts on a particular neurotransmitter throughout the brain), when there are viable alternatives, just seems.... callous and well, silly.

that's a particular issue though, and definitely a personal peeve. I still haven't hit the nail on the head as to why i'm bothered by dependence in general. I think part of it is that it's simply unnecessary, and not even a worthy luxury. I'd much rather understand myself and learn to live better than to use drugs (caffeine included) to artificially stop up a leaky dam. and I suppose part of it is my philosophy of being able to live off as little as you can, because who knows when what you have may be taken from you? This is also behind my preference for frugality rather than luxury, because wealth and comfort are just addictive as anything else. I guess to me the strongest person is the one who is strong by himself, even when deprived of his artillery of drugs, money and whatever else.

still need to think about this though.

DONE

2005-09-26T20:17:00.000-05:00

just submitted the last secondary application. tomorrow I'll print out the credentials mailing request form, and wednesday ansel will drop it off. and then 3 more weeks of nail biting until MCAT scores are released... and then hopefully the interviews will start rolling in. *crosses fingers* oh well. at least my part of it is just about done...

to have, to give up, to lose, to keep...

2005-09-25T20:24:00.000-05:00

i'm sitting on my old bed that now doubles as a couch in front of the tv, trying to write the last of my MD-PhD application essays. I have the TV tuned to the soft-rock cable music channel, and Dan Fogelberg's 'Believe in Me' is playing. God knows what the song is actually about, but it's very introspection-provoking.

As the song fades into a Gwen Stefani track, I find myself thinking about what I have here, now. I am for the first time in my life, close to friendless, in terms of people i can call true and close friends in my city. Before college I was never popular, but always had people to hang out with and have long night-time chats with. most of it was fueled by my never wanting to go home... i can remember numerous occasions pleading with people to stay a little longer, trading rides home for longer nights out.

now i'm bereft of that sort of company, but i barely want to stay out. these days, i head home willingly. and having spent all my life longing for a home to go home to, now that I actually have something approaching that, I am suddenly faced with the fear of losing it. i've always been one to pick up and leave at a moment's notice... for the first time I am loath to go. Can I give this up? this comfort, this security.

In the meantime, can I stand feeling this settled, this stable, this ... bound?

helpless

2005-09-17T21:06:00.000-05:00

All I can do is hope you’ll be alright
All I can do is pray that you’ll be fine
What do you do when there’s no one to pray to
No one to make it right
All I can do is hope that you’ll be fine

the hardest time to be without a God and without a prayer (literally) is when you see someone else hurting. Especially when it's someone that you're not all that close to, so it's hard to know what to say, and things like hugs are not necessarily options. It's times like this that I long for the days when I could call to God and implore him to be with this person I care about, when I could count on a divine proxy, so to speak. so that I could make a difference even while being kept at a distance.

but even when reality (or at least, the perceived reality) isn't comforting, it's all you've got, i suppose.

whales

2005-09-16T12:10:00.000-05:00

quote of the day:

It has been pointed out, however, that if the world was rational, men, not women, would ride sidesaddle.
- from Among Whales, by Roger Payne

Just finished reading Payne's account of whales. It was much too long in parts for my liking, but many years of not studying properly for exams have taught me to skim efficiently for content, so it was not too torturous. Where he excels is in his descriptions of the whale habits and lifestyles that he has personally observed, his family's personal experience of living in close proximity with whales, and his exhortation near the end for humankind in general to regain our wonder and awe of the natural world. Of note is the fact that Payne grew up in the heart of NYC, and so he was raised a city slicker like the rest of us.

It's rather hard for me to really get a sense for what whales are really like. I would love to swim with them someday. There is certainly something about being near a creature that much larger than you. In general, to be in the presence of something that you cannot intrinsically dominate, that is by its very nature larger and more powerful. I think the lack of this sense of awe in our day to day lives contributes in large part to the jadedness and apathy that by all accounts characterizes modern society and our generation in particular. We move in environments where everything is dominated by man, and almost everything is controlled by the pushing of various buttons. While we can't eradicate the roaches in our houses, we can still at least bludgeon individuals to death. And because people have grown used to this measure of control, most are scared by situations or things that are uncontrollable. hence we have the fear of bugs, wild animals, etc. Even skydiving... I've been told that people are scared because they have no control while they're out there, they're just falling. And that's what I love about it! I think it's great for the soul. To be freed from our manmade sense of dominance and superiority and returned to a state where you live only by respecting laws not determined by man. Where you are once again small. I don't think it is a blow to one's self esteem to acknowledge that we don't really matter all that much, relative to the rest of life on this planet. There's something to be said for letting things take their rightful places. Thus I think that finding ways to remind ourselves of our place in the world, actively seeking out situations where we have to relinquish our sense of control... is healthy. Swimming with a whale must do wonders to restore your sanity, relieve you of the schizophrenic and egocentric delusion of human superiority.

Interestingly, many of the people who teach about a God who is so great and powerful and awe inspiring and should be feared and before whom we should tremble.... never seek out real world analogues. No wonder so many of their platitudes sound canned and empty. How can you preach that when you've never experienced it on a visceral level, unprompted by any 'this is how i should feel in the presence of X' or any musical instigation (how often have you heard people say that they just can't worship without music... or worse 'the right kind' of music?). Take your gods. Give me the redwoods and the whales and the pounding surf any day.

blue skies

2005-09-10T22:39:00.000-05:00

I think the happiest month of my life was the month I started skydiving. I understand that there are many people who have never in their life been inclined to take part in this sport. I cannot fathom the sentiment, but I acknowledge its existence. Just as no one should have ever made me play volleyball, no one should ever be made to skydive ;)

HOWEVER. idiot letters to newspapers about the dangers of skydiving are ridiculous. (see here for an example) I'll tell you why most major (not all) skydiving accidents happen. Because while not all skydivers are in it for the thrills (it really does wear off after awhile), the sport definitely attracts a crowd of adrenaline driven egomaniacs whose sole goal in life is to do the most stupid and daring trick they can think of. It's unfortunate. But you can't govern the majority of the population based on the stupidity of a few.

ok. i'll stop ranting. but if you've ever wanted to skydive, or thought you might want to, or if you've ever dreamed of flying, or if you've ever wondered what it's like to watch a sunset above cloud cover with the wind in your face, or if you want to go somewhere where the world falls completely silent and you can be alone with your thoughts for just a few minutes, pay for it. go wherever you need to go. If you come to Philly I'll chip in $20USD for your jump. Hell. I might even pay for my recurrency and jump with you. Especially if you're uncoordinated like me, being able to to backflips in the air without damaging yourself is a very liberating thing. plus you can breathe while you're at it (unlike being underwater, the only other place i can do backflips).

It's such a simple sport. You go up, you step out, you feel the wind in your face, you open your chute, you land. repeat. Do you have to be careful? hell yeah. Even the adrenaline junkies do pin checks. (I average about 6 pin checks a flight... but then i'm paranoid). but you have to be just as careful driving a car... and take it from me, there're far more things to remember and pay attention to when you're in a car. especially for bad drivers like me. :P

and there's something beautiful about being in a community of people who for the most part just want to do this one simple thing. As a community, they don't wish you luck on your exams, or that you'd find the right life partner, or that you'd win the lottery. They wish you what they want most of all:

Blue skies.

p/s: add a wingsuit and a chute to my wishlist...

wish list

2005-09-09T19:52:00.000-05:00

as you can see i'm getting absolutely nothing done other than to freeze my ass (and hands) off in this damn library... However, I just thought I'd mention, for the sake of those of you who remembered my upcoming birthday and are completely desperate to figure out what I might want (right..), that I have recently discovered Amazon's wishlist function. I'm really using it to keep track of the books that I intend to hunt down through used bookstores, but feel free to let it inspire you ;)

(You can find my wishlist by going to Amazon.com and searching for Esther Y Lee under Find a Wishlist.)

shiver

2005-09-09T19:20:00.000-05:00

as I write this I am sitting in Rosengarten, the undergraduate study section of the library. tonight it is virtually abandoned, being early in the semester yet, but whoever governs the air-conditioning clearly did not take into account the severe lack of body heat.... as a result i can barely feel my fingers, and let me tell you it's very hard to type essays(which is why i'm here... *groan*) while sitting on your hands to warm them. ;P

my $.02 of Fe

2005-09-06T19:30:00.000-05:00

here are some thoughts inspired by the exchange between opf and d'sa (here).

the natural self

There is a pervasive notion among Christians that one must die to oneself to become more like Christ. This comes from a deeper notion that the natural human self is evil/depraved, but it coexists with the belief that becoming more like Christ makes you more your ideal self. There is thus a conflict between two senses of the 'true' self -- the natural self (true because it is what you would be without external input) and the ideal self (true because it is what you are 'meant to be'). Aristotle's concept of the four causes would come in handy here... but anyway. so if becoming like Christ is a transition from self to self (Few Christians argue that you lose your selfhood in becoming like Christ), it's interesting that the natural self seems to be considered the more representative type of self. otherwise one would not be said to die to oneself (natural self) but rather to live in accordance with oneself (ideal self).

I say this because even if you believe that it is God's grace that allows you to be a better person, when you swallow your anger or whatever the conscious decision is still made by YOU. Thus whenever you 'die to self' you only do so because your self has ordained it to be as such. You never die to yourself without your own authorization and motivation. Perhaps Freud had it right after all... the notion of competing elements within oneself, where neither the superego nor the id is 'truer' to self than the other. Anyhow. i'm just rambling. i do wonder though if Christians would have a better time 'growing in Christ' if they thought of it as fulfilling rather than sublimating their true desires.

the question of suffering

To be honest, the question of human suffering on earth didn't trouble me much as a Christian. If you believe in an afterlife (or even a reincarnative notion where the self continues on after each death) it is plausible to believe that even if I don't know the exact point of a specific hardship, it will benefit the sufferer in spirit somehow, perhaps by making him a better person, bring him closer to Christ/Nirvana etc. The question I could never resolve was to do with the eternal suffering prescribed for the unbeliever, after this life is over and there are presumably no more lives to opt back into. Moreover this suffering by definition cannot be for any improvement of the individual in question since there is nothing for him to go on to. life imprisonment is paradise in comparison.

I still find it a conundrum. The question is not even why God would do such a thing, but rather how a merciful and loving God could deliberately create souls knowing or intending that they would perish and suffer for eternity. This was probably made worse by the Calvinistic stance I held when I was a Christian. After all, if man is completely fallen and unable to choose to follow God unless God choose to mercifully bestow faith upon him, then it is unspeakably cruel for God to create anyone who he does not plan to bestow mercy on.

But Calvinist or not, there is still yet another question: even if you believed that people were sent to hell by their own choice (defiance, pride, whatever), how could there not be sadness in heaven? how could heaven be perfect? Surely there are Christians who love non-Christians. I was one of them. It was a bewildering thought: eventually I would die and go to heaven, with some of those I dearly loved going to hell. How, in the name of all that is good and loving, could I be HAPPY, knowing that those i love were to suffer forever?

(I will state for the record that almost without fail, the response from Christians has been that in heaven, we will be so overcome by the glory of God that these things will either not occur to us, or will pale so much in comparison so as to no longer be significant. This is most unsatisfactory, especially since one of the fundamental tenets of Christianity is to love others.)

why i should get a netflix subscription

2005-09-03T09:30:00.000-05:00

At the end of the day, I think it is in my nature (and most women's if not most people's) to periodically develop a sort of internal depressive emotional pressure that needs to be released/vented on a regular basis to prevent a complete and utter nervous breakdown. Because of its very nature, that internal pressure promotes more and more inward and self-obsessed thought, which as any closet depressive knows well, is the perfect fuel for the buildup of even more pressure inside.

Movies, on the other hand, draw you into another world. Movie watching has been deemed escapist by many people, and perhaps it is. It draws you into a world that is unreal, that doesn't exist, but the point of the matter is that it's not YOUR world. It gives you a way to vent that pressure without focusing on yourself. Escapism may not be all that bad when it allows you to escape from the vicious cycle of self-pity.

This all stemmed of course, from watching the late night rerun of Forrest Gump at 1am. A Good Cry always helps. especially when it's about someone else's problems....

betrayal

2005-09-02T22:44:00.000-05:00

it has been a long and dark month since I got back from Mexico. Every morning I have had to fight the urge to just stay under the covers and never emerge. I don't walk to the subway, I trudge. My thoughts at night in that twilight between waking and sleeping are rarely pleasant ones, focusing mostly on however I feel I've most recently put my foot in my mouth, or more often than not, whoever I'm most upset with at the time.

And under the depression that has come in its season to haunt me lurks a deeper sentiment, a sort of bitterness that has begun to seep into my waking life, a profound, though perhaps unfounded, sense of betrayal. I remember this feeling... it's the feeling of woundedness that angers you and makes you want to hurt whoever caused you that pain.

I'm tired of being rejected. Of looking into yet another friend's eyes and realizing that they don't like who I am, or where I'm headed. Or that they refuse to know who I am, hanging on to some odd figment of their imagination or an outdated memory. I'm tired of never fitting in, of never belonging anyhere, of having to fight to keep friendships alive, of always reaching out, of keeping my chin up, of feeling like somehow, somehow I've been cheated by life. betrayed.

books books books

2005-08-30T06:37:00.000-05:00

just a record of the books i've read over the last month so i don't forget about them... maybe i'll blog about them later. i recommend all of them, but for somewhat different reasons...

Villa Incognito
Brazzaville Beach
The Empire Grill
The Namesake
The Dolphin Smile
Humankind
River Out of Eden
The Undiscovered Mind (still reading)

Also, I watched this really interesting bio of Benoit Mandelbrot, one of the supposed pioneers of fractal geometry. It's available from the Film Media Group at ... Princeton?

my point exactly

2005-08-29T06:58:00.000-05:00

"...This is opposed to Arminianism, which the Methodists and some other denominations follow, which has beliefs almost completely opposite to the five listed above.

The beautiful thing, of course, is that even in this apparent disunity, Protestant Christians (and to an extent Catholics and Protestants) can stand united in our love for God and dedication to His service. "

(Quote from Ketsugi)

see last point in recent blog about 'truth'.

questions and answers

2005-08-23T13:44:00.000-05:00

I think one of the biggest challenges that people like to throw in the face of science is: "How can science answer the big questions, the most meaningful questions? Religion speaks to these questions, but science is incapable of answering them."

For example:

"You will never understand what it means to be a human being through naturalistic observation," he (Francis S. Collins, who directs the National Human Genome Research Institute) said. "You won't understand why you are here and what the meaning is. Science has no power to address these questions - and are they not the most important questions we ask ourselves?"

I have a few thoughts on this subject. First, though, I would like to state for the record that I am not trying to discredit religion. I am merely trying to prevent it from unnecessarily discrediting science.

1) Something that provides an answer is not by definition therefore correct. Various religions provide answers to those questions, but they differ widely. How do we adjudicate on a matter so abstract and untestable? Simply put, outside of some intrinsic and non-rational belief system, we can't. In that case, it certainly is not dishonest to, as science frequently does on these issues, simply refrain from comment. When there is no clear answer, providing AN answer is by no means superior to providing no answer.

2) Why are these the most important questions in the first place? To some degree I think these questions stem from egocentrism on the part of humans. If you were to consider humans as merely another stage in the evolutionary flow of time, it seems less important all of a sudden to find specific meaning in 'being human' or 'why we are here'. Furthermore, some of that egocentrism stems, on some level, from religion itself. The monotheistic religions, at least, certainly place humans at an elevated level relative to the rest of Nature. Do we belong there? It's really a matter of opinion (well. and faith, eh? :)

3) Some scientists would say that science does answer these questions. the answer depends on which scientist you ask, depending on which of science's discoveries he counts as most important. some might say the answer is that there IS no meaning except what you choose to make of life.

hm.

truth

2005-08-16T05:45:00.000-05:00

so i had a long conversation with an old college friend the other day... one of the few friends i have left from my extremely religious days. we had a really good chat about where we are, catching up and all that, as well as about life, God, religion, and all that good stuff. I really miss discussing that sort of thing. I still think its important, but it seems that most non-religious folk aren't really interested, and the religious folk i know (mostly christians) don't want to discuss it with someone who's gone over to the dark side.

specifically, i think the reason for the latter is that they feel threatened. it's alright to discuss God and faith with someone who's never believed in any of it, but...someone who used to and now doesn't.... has already 'tasted the goodness' and has for whatever reason, consciously rejected it. that's fair enough. still frustrating, but i can see where it's coming from. I wish it weren't the case, and not just for my sake. I think people are threatened in part because Christianity is ultimately not defensible by reason. I don't mean it's not plausible, i just mean at some point it reduces to a mystery, which is where faith comes in. that's all well and good, as long as you have enough faith :) I didn't, and I'm willing to bet there are many christians who don't either, and who suffer the way I did -- wanting to believe and not being able to.

for this reason (and others of course) i greatly prefer where I am now. christianity always required me at some point to rest my knowledge on faith. there are many aspects of christianity that are supported by real life evidence, but there are many that aren't. that doesn't mean they're not true. but it does mean that if you choose to say 'i know they're true' or at least 'i believe they're true', you are forced to use faith as your sole defence of that statement. (this is of course not limited to christianity...see examples that follow) i feel much more comfortable saying 'well, i don't know'. I DON'T know if heaven exists, I DON'T know if quarks are anything beyond numbers, I DON'T know that dinosaurs looked the way paleontologists say they did, I DON'T know if Jesus is/was the Son of God. and of course i'm not saying that everyone should feel more comfortable this way... just that I do. if you KNOW that you're going to heaven, more power to you!...but I don't. (it's the existence of heaven that I'm unsure of... not my ability to get there ;)

Anyway. i digress. but this brings me to what i had meant to bring up, in a roundabout fashion. in that conversation that i had, two things struck me:

one, i was told (through a narnia analogy... anyone remember puddleglum?) that even if the christian picture of the world isn't true, it sure as hell beats the crap out of the alternatives, therefore it is worth believing in. there are two things about this that bother me. 1) reality is of value to me. if something isn't true, then sorry, it can't be better. the other thing is, even if you could ignore that, and pretend that it WERE 'better', what kind of mind fuck would you be doing to yourself, believing in something you didn't think was true?? this came up in a discussion of heaven. i said i missed believing in it, which i do. to some degree. and the point was raised (not by me) that it is better to believe in something good, even if you're not sure it's necessarily true -- but for me, to believe in something is to consider it true. i CAN'T believe in something and simultaneously doubt its truth. (here a distinction should be made between fundamental doubt and transient doubt... but that's a story for another day. suffice it to say that i'm referring to the fundamental sort) so if that's my alternative, i lose nothing and in fact gain peace of mind by saying 'i don't know. I am not rejecting the christian picture, i am simply saying i have no convictions that it is true.'

the other thing that struck me is that christians are fairly easily satisfied with the notion that 'you believe'. and to quite a large degree it doesn't matter what you believe in. for instance, there are camps of christians who think the creation story is literal. who think God created the world in 7 days dammit, and the world is 5600 (or some such number) years old, etc. then there are the camps who believe that it's all a big metaphor, the point is that God is sovereign and was responsible in some fashion for the world's beginning. THEN, there are those that take the Genesis account as a whole other literary statement about something or the other. Now, these are ALL acceptable in protestant christianity. they'll disagree about it, but they're ok with that disagreement. you can be a God-fearing christian and join any of those camps. what you MUST do, however, is believe it's true. what's it? the bible. as long as you believe scripture is divinely inspired, and that God is holy, to a large degree it doesn't matter as much what you think scripture is SAYING.

may I just say...i find this rather strange.

well put

2005-08-13T17:17:00.000-05:00

to me, at least.

Richard Dawkins, italics mine, in response to "How would we be better off without religion?" :

We'd all be freed to concentrate on the only life we are ever going to have. We'd be free to exult in the privilege -- the remarkable good fortune -- that each one of us enjoys through having been being born. An astronomically overwhelming majority of the people who could be born never will be. You are one of the tiny minority whose number came up. Be thankful that you have a life, and forsake your vain and presumptuous desire for a second one. The world would be a better place if we all had this positive attitude to life. It would also be a better place if morality was all about doing good to others and refraining from hurting them, rather than religion's morbid obsession with private sin and the evils of sexual enjoyment.

full interview can be found here: http://sengwai.blogspot.com/2005/05/little-old-interview.html

the little things

2005-07-26T16:59:00.000-05:00

after finding that my newly acquired hammock was inches too short to be suspended from the hooks on the patio, i found a way to set it up on my balcony, tying it to the railing on one end, and a doorknob on the other. true, it only hung a few inches of the ground, and with my weight in it I almost brushed the floor, but with some adjustments it worked fine. i stretched out and closed my eyes, my left hand on the rusting, once-white chair that was next to me on the balcony, letting the natural spring in my elbow joint rock the hammock like a cradle. opening my eyes, i noted leisurely the small but intricately made pseudo-iron lamp hanging from the ceiling, framed by bright golden-orange paint and the brilliant blue in which the ceiling was edged. reflecting on the luxury of having just read a whole book (Villa Incognito, by Tom Robbins) in a couple of hours, earlier in the afternoon, it seemed to me that this was why i had come this far away. to have an afternoon like this, to read with abandon and no thought to work or duty, to swing in a white cotton hammock that threatened to pull my bedroom door down, to look out over the very low rooftops across the street at the blue-glazed mountaintops in the slightly hazy distance, to feel the lift of a light breeze cutting through the near-impenetrable heat of chiapanecan mid-afternoons, to contemplate clouds and trees, the past and the future, knowledge and ignorance, purposefulness and spontaneity. little things, perhaps, but then life's all about the little things.

brief excitement

2005-07-25T19:32:00.000-05:00

we got into tuxtla last night at 10pm after an unexpectedly long ride.... only to discover that joel's bag, containing his digital camera and passport, was no longer in the baggage compartment.

they did find it eventually, after a LOT of broken spanish on our parts, but it was at another bus station and we had to wait till 12.30am for it to come in. and THEN head back to chiapa...

Palenque

2005-07-24T12:37:00.000-05:00

... was surprisingly boring. the ruins were rather impressive, for their sheer age if nothing else, but there were far too many tourists and trinket vendors. think i liked toniná better...

also, we left our bags at the front desk before going into the ruins, without realizing that the path was going to spit us out about 2 km down the hill from the entrance, so we had to hop on yet another little van to take us back up to the top.

btw, i found out last night that pollo empazinado is very heavily breaded and fried chicken. bleargh.

a different perspective

2005-07-23T20:39:00.000-05:00

it's been an eventful weekend... we went up to san cristóbal yesterday, it's COOL there, instead of blazing hot... and we met Jeff by accident (guy who we keep bumping into, who works at Penn), which was fun. grapefruit margaritas rock. btw, the hostel we stayed in was fantabulous.... posada mayembe, if you're ever there. best i've ever seen.

we then headed out to toniná this morning, a large ruin site that turned out to be really nice, and much less touristy than i'm sure palenque will be when we get there tomorrow. we then tried to get to agua azul, a big waterfall between toniná and palenque... but there were no direct first class buses till 7pm, so we went in search of 2nd class buses... and wound up riding in the back of a covered pick up truck for about 2 hours, which was surprisingly fun :) good breeze, and a great view. i've really been surprised by how mountainous mexico is, and how often we're treated to a fantastic view of smoky blue mountains...

well, the waterfall was beautiful but horribly overrun with tourists. we had a hell of a time getting transport onward to palenque, but we did make it here, albeit in the pouring rain. also, all my sunburn blisters are popping, and i'm peeling everywhere.

onward to palenque tomorrow!

movies and such

2005-07-19T16:55:00.000-05:00

batman begin sucks. mr and mrs smith is tacky but funny. dear frankie isn't bad, if you like sappy scottish tales...

sunburns also suck. i think i'm almost done with the pain though, think my shoulders are the last bits that hurt.

me arde el sol

2005-07-17T19:22:00.000-05:00

for the first time in my life, i am experiencing something close to a full body sunburn. ow.

just got back from a weekend at the beach... despite the slight motionsickness on the way there (very windy road... very pretty views of mountains and such,but very very windy) and the current sunburn, it was a nice weekend. and I bought a hammock! una hamaca! it's white cotton.... ansel, we're gonna have to find a place in the apartment to hang it... ;P

so the beach was gorgeous. aside from a stretch in the middle in front of the restaurants where everybody and everybody's five year old was playing in the sand, the beach was deserted. not something you find everywhere. and CLEAN! for the most part, at least :) you could walk for miles (and we did, hence the sunburn... we weren't expecting to be out that long, and uhh... forgot to use sunscreen) and see nothing but the surf, the sand, and the occasional house. and lots and lots of palm trees...

our first night we spent at Jose's Camping and Cabañas... nice, simple. small huts with two beds apiece for $12 a night. shared (but clean and functional) bathrooms. and the man is a good cook! we succumbed to laziness and decided to take him up on his offer of red snapper for dinner....best fish i've had in awhile. and yummy rice to go with it.

however, the area was a little more prone to mosquitoes than we liked... and with the dark walls you can't catch the damn things. so the next morning we decided to try to find something a little

more upscale and closer to the beach. We stumbled upon Amelia's Hotel (run by Edgar, though), where you can get a room with a/c, private bathroom, and a king'sized bed for $20 a night. and a large pool! and lots of hammocks! to top things off, they do a mean eggs'n'ham for brekkie, and best of all, Edgar gave us a ride out the next morning to Cintalapa which cut our travel expenses almost in half for the trip home to chiapa de corzo...

i really love the sea. there's something about crashing surf that's very therapeutic. and the undertow was pretty damn strong there, which was nice to feel. not so nice for swimming (don't worry, we didn't even try) but nice for wading. a nice gentle reminder of the power of the ocean. and it had been awhile since i last saw the pacific surf, too. not that it looks all that different from the atlantic though, i guess. ;P

anyhow, this marks our second week in chiapas. we're halfway done! back to the 9 to 5 grind soon enough. and med sch apps. *groan*. i like it here. living is cheap, life is simple, and public transportation is regular and efficient! i don't think my spanish is gonna get much better than it has...for all the grammar i've acquired, i still struggle with day to day conversations. guess i was a little naive in thinking a month would do all that much. but i can read pretty decently now, and i think i've finally got the hang of the subjunctive. someday i want to spend a big chunk of time immersed in spanish...

(...and french... and mandarin... :P why am i trying to sign away 7 years of my life, again?)

next weekend we're gonna hit the ruins and waterfalls. here's to more long bus rides! though i must say the long distance buses are comfy. they really put Greyhound to shame!

i've discovered...

2005-07-12T17:48:00.000-05:00

... that the library here requires two photographs and a birth cert before you can take out a book. :(

... that the pool here isn't big enough to do laps in, so now i have a light blue terry cloth two piece bathing suit and nothing to do with it. i think i'll try to find a beach.

... and that you really haven't lived till you've ridden through a canyon in a speedboat going at 30mph through torrential, COLD rain.

that said... the canyon was gorgeous. and we saw the most beautiful waterfall i'd ever seen... with large mushroom-like algae formations under it that made it look kinda like a christmas tree. they dispersed the water in these large sprinkling fans, and all the mist in the air was moving in the wind. very wraithlike. they drove the boat right under it, and that must have been the most gorgeous sight ever.... all the water droplets scattering the light every which way...

don't worry

2005-07-10T18:45:00.000-05:00

okok i don't have heat stroke. i'm just kinda tired and feeling funny as a result of being out in the sun and getting dehydrated like the idiot i am :)

oh btw i forgot to mention this lovely fruit popsicle stand that i've discovered... frozen pineapple chunks jammed into a popsicle mould... so yummy. and they have them in mango and other fruits too. i'm rationing myself to one a day :)

going down for the first time

2005-07-10T17:02:00.000-05:00

so i've been very lucky, system-survival-wise... i've done everything from brushing my teeth in tap water to drinking non-bottled water in restaurants to eating food off the streets, and i haven't had any GI problems. not even brief diarrhea. but i stupidly went hiking today without any water, and i think i have heatstroke. i can't stand for too long and i feel like i'm running a temperature, but i feel perfectly fine otherwise. and the not standing for long really has more to do with walking for four hours -- my feet hurt like crazy. damn path with its little rocks everywhere. but no worries, after I finish up my hour at this internet cafe, i'm going to buy a chicken (grilled) so i can have some proper food, and then i'm going to go home and drink water/sleep for the rest of the day/night.

those chickens are so yummy.

on the bright side, I got to see some marvellous views today, AND practice my spanish, since i was with Enrique (husband of the woman who runs the spanish school) who speaks only a little english. There's just so much SPACE here. we walked sooo far.... it's not even farmland out there... it's just... space. and we went to the part of the river that's not developed, and there were these white egrets skimming the water. it was so calm and beautiful.... if only the SUN HADN'T BEEN BLAZING OVERHEAD. but the skies were blue and you could see the mountains all around you... it was gorgeous. just... hot. and very dehydrating. poor guy had to stop every 50 paces on the way back for me to rest. but i got to learn lots of new words. like pela arraña (spider web). essential vocab, i say.

yesterday we went to el chorreadero (or something like that)... it's the nearest waterfall. first waterfall i'd ever seen that was really really muddy. but like all waterfalls it was great just to sit there (you could climb up almost to where the water came rushing out of a cave at the top), and listen to the rushing water. hehe there wasn't space in the car for all of us so i got to ride illegally in the back. twas fun. :) you get a different view of the world when you can only see behind you...

and after that we finally went to tuxtla(nearest big city). leslie and I wanted to buy bathing suits because we found out that the fancy hotel in chiapa de corzo lets you use their pool for about $1 a day. and of course neither of us had thought to bring a bathing suit. so we went all over the damn city... and finally got these weird two piece bathing suits. a complete rip off, i think. but well. beggars can't be choosers. anyway... the city was horrible. i can see why enrique and joanna moved from there. it's just shops. shop after shop after shop. selling the same thing. and then these big mall type areas on the outskirts of the city. ugh. then again we did get to see batman. i had thought it was going to be in spanish, but it turned out to be in english with spanish subtitles, unfortunately. i gave up trying to read the spanish cos i can't read fast enough yet.... and besides i was trying to pay attention to liam neeson (who really shouldn't play a bad person... it doesn't work) and morgan freeman... and michael caine. have i mentioned how much i dislike both christian bale and katie holmes? bleargh.

anyway. such has life been so far. spanish is getting better... oh and i found a translation of hemingway's for whom thebell tolls.... which is set, funnily enough, in spain. so far... i've made it through 2 pages, and i've had to look up every third word in the dictionary. ;P but at any rate i am a big fan of the immersion experience because my spanish has improved more in the last week than it did in my entire year at penn. though i'm not sure i'm ever going to make sense of the subjunctive. oh well. :)

los lentes de sol

2005-07-06T19:54:00.000-05:00

none but a few of you will understand the significance of this, but I HAVE SUNGLASSES. and they aren't RED. and MOST importantly, they FIT MY FACE. Qué bueno!!

bailamos!

2005-07-06T19:41:00.000-05:00

exciting news, o faithful readers...joel and i had our first salsa lesson today -- wheeee! am now exhausted, sweaty, and i think i wrenched both my ankles trying to turn. the instructor was very nice, he dragged me out into the centre and led me through a bunch of turns... i think everyone was very amused to see the gringa dancing. ;)

good grilled chicken today, too. yummy. almost made up for the piss poor lunch we had at the big tourist stop in the middle of town. they advertised comida chiapaneca autentica (authentic chiapan food) so we figured we'd give it a try. the recommended dish turned out to be breaded and fried chicken breast, and showed up looking like the cover of Better Homes and Gardens. very disappointing. and it wasn't even GOOD.

spanish classes are going better... am getting grammar and a lot of reading and conversation practice. turns out i didn't piss off the teachers by asking for things to be changed up a little, which is good. one never knows what's offensive around here.

oh and it rained today... thankfully we were indoors salsa-ing when it happened. i still need to buy flipflops and an umbrella.

day 1.5

2005-07-04T15:59:00.000-05:00

so. for those of you who were concerned, joel and i have made it safely to chiapa de corzo. we haven´t had any travel related issues since the Philly airport, where we almost had a scuffle with airport personnel, the bastards. but we made it here, so all´s well.

between the flights and the 12 hour bus ride and the hours of waiting and waiting in mexico city, i´m exhausted. but my little siesta this afternoon seems to have made up for that. no stomach related issues yet, but my gut is starting to rumble, so that story may change fairly soon :P there are almost no mosquitos here, and therefore no malaria risk either (yay)

so far the classes are frustrating because no one speaks ANY english at all. I know i asked for the immersion experience,but it takes some getting used to. i had a little breakdown this afternoon after a day and a half of speaking broken spanish to everyone... the embarassment pales in comparison to myinability to communicate. but it´s getting better, and once i´m used to the slower pace of life i think it´s gonna be a good month.

the town we´re in (chiapa de corzo) is in the state of chiapas(which borders guatemala), and is quite a nice self-contained place. There´s a canyon near by, which we plan to visit. other than that there doesn´t seem like there´s that much to do, so i might have to resort to reading and introspection to make up forthings. on the plus side, that will hopefully mean my spanish will improve and i´ll actually study for the MCATs. wheeee. ;)

have i mentioned that i hate spanish keyboards?

will update this every couple of days, or when something exciting happens. ;P do check back.

so long

2005-07-02T22:13:00.000-05:00

i'm off for a month to Mexico. will post updates as and when I can (should be fairly often).

ciao!

I'm back!

2005-06-19T09:53:00.000-05:00

yes i know. i've been away for forever. guess i got tired of sending my thoughts out into a vacuum.

life is curious. I used to be soooo religious back in college and i guess even a little in JC. now i'm happily a non-christian and all my previously nominal christian friends are so involved in their religion that it's hard to ever hear about any other parts of their lives.

i used to be afraid I would never recover from the loss of christianity. but now the angst has passed, and it's almost hard to remember the days when i was overflowing with zeal and fervor for all that stuff. it's funny, to have old friends throw phrases at me that I used to throw at other people. a little surreal, but still quite funny ;)

when i quit the faith part of my quest was to find out personally what it felt like not to have to believe. to allow myself to doubt. yesyes, i was told many times i was dabbling with the dark side as if I was dealing with the devil or apprenticing myself to the sith-equivalents in christianity. but my goal certainly wasn't power, it was understanding. you simply cannot understand another's perspective until you walk in their shoes. you can contemplate them all you want, but until you live and breathe their philosophies, you will never quite understand what it's like on that visceral gut level that is so important to me.

I always thought that people without God must feel so lost, and simply be in denial all the time. trying desperately to fill that 'God-shaped hole' in their lives. Well I speak now from the other side of that divide, and I must say it doesn't seem to be true. there's no saying what i'll come to believe in the future, but for now.... there really isn't any compelling reason to take up Christianity again. You may say my soul has died or something and Satan's gotten too large a foothold or whatever, but quite frankly i think i've become a better person. I take much more responsibility for my actions, and importantly, for changing myself. when you no longer have the option of crying out, 'Lord, change me!' the onus falls on you to actively work at being a better person. i'm not saying christians don't work on themselves, i'm just saying i'm much more conscientious about being proactive about it these days.

maybe i was just a bad christian ;)

but the thing is I believed so strongly in Christ and all that jazz back in the day, that I felt that non-believers must in their heart of heart know the truth, it was so blindingly obvious to me. Then came the first dark days of despair when I believed and yet didn't believe. Now I simply don't, but there's no more despair. in my heart of hearts... i don't really have an opinion on Christ anymore except to state that nothing compels me to believe in christianity. which calls into question that belief i used to have about how non-believers must feel. it logically follows that I cannot rely on things that i feel i 'know' on a gut level. you could rationalize faith all you want, but when I believed it was because i couldn't not believe. on a gut level, i 'knew' it was undeniable.

now, i find myself simply quite comfortable in knowing that i don't know. For all I know, God does exist. but who knows in what form or capacity? i used to like to say 'I don't believe christianity is true, I know it is'. looking back that was bullshit. It was a belief, just like i don't believe christianity is true now. I don't KNOW it's untrue, I just don't believe in it anymore.

anyway. enough longwinded rambling. will try to blog more frequently about more relevant things, now that i've been informed that people do read this every once in awhile.

paraskevidekatriaphobia

2005-05-14T08:47:00.000-05:00

/pærəskεvidəkætriəfo'biə/
n., the irrational fear of Friday the 13th

make that your new word for the day. yesterday was quite the day, and of course, coincidentally friday the 13th. JR wound up in hospital with a broken nose, BW accidentally sent her boss an email that she'd intended for her boyfriend in which she was forcefully venting about - wait for it - her boss. Suffice it to say I got very little work done. ;P

unbelievable

2005-05-09T09:01:00.001-05:00

"I don't think of it as censorship. I look at it as protecting the hearts and minds of our children."

- ALABAMA STATE REPRESENTATIVE GERALD ALLEN, WHO PROPOSED A BILL THAT WOULD FORBID PUBLIC SCHOOL LIBRARIES FROM BUYING BOOKS BY GAY AUTHORS OR THAT INCLUDE GAY CHARACTERS.

I hope you're as disgusted by this as I am. The issue here is not whether you think homosexuality is ok or not. I think we can all(or at least most of us can) agree that there are plenty of books hitting the shelves every day that feature people doing things or believing things or endorsing things that we don't quite agree with. forbid your children from reading specific books, by all means. but a library?? and for crying out loud, if you're gonna do it, call it what it is.

By the way, Kinsey gets released on DVD and VHS, May17. it's a must-see.

my mother tongue

2005-05-01T07:43:00.000-05:00

the other question i get asked all the time is "what's your native language?" This is usually after registering surprise that I'm fluent in English even though I grew up outside the US. Damn these americans, I swear they'd be surprised even if I grew up in the UK. but I digress.

I usually say something like 'oh I grew up speaking english, just with a different accent'... but it's really more than that, isn't it? it's a different dialect, I suppose. we have the same basic syntax, but different preferences for certain syntactic constructions, and a WHOLE lot of influence from chinese and malay. So is my mother tongue Singlish? Not quite. When I go home I often overcorrect and speak in Singlish as much as possible, but that's not what I grew up speaking. Thanks to my mother, we had to speak proper English at home. What she considered the Queen's English. I think Singaporean English would be better nomenclature. It's certainly got british influences, but it's really become its own entity. We have a modified vocabulary, and to some degree, our own brand of syntax.

This struck me today because I read an article from a Singaporean who's moved to Italy. She mentioned zebra crossings, and I stopped and thought 'wow it's been a long time since I heard that phrase'. because, of course, they're crosswalks here. In Philadelphia, there are no carparks. Only parking garages or parking lots. It's not the pavement, it's the sidewalk. It's a little hot, not a bit. here one thing is different than another, not different from. all these little, little things. but oh my, do they add up. (you know what I can't drop? I can't stop saying air-con. Here it's AC. just can't get my head around it...)

M used to tell a funny story about trying to speak to angmohs when they asked him where to find this, that or the other. He always felt he had to give lengthy descriptions ("if you go down the escalator you'll find the shop on your right"), whereas if asked the same question by a singaporean, he would feel fine saying "that one, downstairs got". (much funnier when he told it)

Oh to be back where concise doesn't equal rude. American English is very longwinded, I find. I'm sure americans travelling to singapore find the local language very curt and perfunctory. I think it's simply efficient. :)

I wonder, if I were thrown back into Singapore, whether I would revert back to singaporean english, or if I would simply feel the same frustration that I do here. having all these words and phrases and constructions that I want to use but can't, for fear of not being understood, or sounding odd, or something.

i wonder.

a forgotten democracy

2005-05-01T07:02:00.000-05:00

after JP's post about the national anthem back home, I was thinking... well, if you insist on comparing Sg to the US, one benefit the US has is that their anthem MEANS something. Majulah Singapura doesn't really mean much, which is why i never bothered to remember exactly what it did mean. Check the comments on his post if you want a quick and dirty translation. sometime in first grade I realised that other than Onward Singapore, it really didn't say much at all. (the english translation was printed in the backs of our exercise books, if my memory serves me well...) My opinion? if you want people to rally, you gotta come up with a better rally cry. what the hell does ONWARD SINGAPORE mean anyway? time for a new anthem.

so anyhow... i then though, well one thing Singapore does have is that our Pledge says a lot. America has their pledge of allegiance, but ours does say a fair bit more. but here's the funny bit. so i was reciting the pledge to myself, and kept getting stuck on one word:

We, the citizens of Singapore pledge ourselves as one united people, regardless of race, language or religion, to build a --

So I tried singing it. that always solved the problem before. or saying it faster. think less, rely on rote memory more. still didn't come to me. Finally, when I was just about to embarassedly Google it, it struck me. of course. the word was democratic. a democratic society. an interesting word to forget, isn't it? So the full pledge reads:

We, the citizens of Singapore pledge ourselves as one united people, regardless of race, language or religion, to build a democratic society, based on justice and equality, so as to achieve happiness, prosperity, and progress for our nation.

*cue the 'We are Singapore' music*

I think it's quite a good pledge. I have my doubts about whether the government really does believe any of it though... other than the prosperity and progress bit ;P I like how it has the stuff about race and religion embedded in it, so that every child who goes through the government school system will have that echoing in their heads forever. then again, if i could forget the democratic bit, i guess it's questionable how effective daily recital of the pledge really is.

I was always amused by how my ACS friends, who were mostly doing miserably to sort-of-ok in Chinese, could often recite the entire pledge in Mandarin, though usually without knowing what any of the words really meant. (thanks to them I can get through the first 8 characters or so....我们是新加坡公民... and then I choke. something something 不分种族, 言语或宗教... ok that's about it) but they can sometimes even recite them in malay and tamil. quite striking. (also quite striking that I had at most one or two non-chinese friends, growing up.... so much for one united people regardless of race...)

anyway, this all brings to mind those moments when people turn to me here and say, "Hey, so is Singapore a democracy?" ... I usually cough a little, smile, and reply, "Well, technically, yes..." I cough again, and change the topic.

enough said :)

yawn

2005-04-30T20:57:00.000-05:00

listening to soft-rock, attempting to study biochemistry, fighting fatigue, staring disillusionment in the face, completely a-motivated, i think it's time for bed.

on a brighter note, i hear elton john's getting married in december. good for him! and kudos to the british government for allowing at least civil partnerships. a quick word to the gay community before it riots about not being allowed full marriages: baby steps, hon, baby steps.

the singaporean blogosphere - a rant

2005-04-30T07:38:00.000-05:00

Edit: A comment on JP's blog calmed me down a little. true, perhaps some regrouping was in order anyway, and certainly startling the singaporean bloggers into being more responsible public speakers is a good thing. I hope that's all that's happening and that I was simply overreacting. I have my doubts though, but only time will tell. :)

Firstly, I'd like to say, at the risk of offending everyone who disagrees, that I think the word blogosphere is a ridiculous one. Then again I think blog is ridiculous-sounding too. but whatever :)

For those of you who don't have any connection to Singapore (yes, all two of you, given the pitiful number of people who read this anyway)... the blogosphere is showing symptoms of something akin to post-traumatic stress disorder. One Singaporean blog has been taken down because he purportedly made defamatory remarks about some bigshot back home. everyone else is now freaking out about getting sued, or at least getting in trouble (in my opinion one of the strongest fears in Singapore...)

Shame.

That's right. Run away. Let them win without a fight. How long have you been living in Singapore? Surely you know how these things work. They're not even trying to punish. They're trying to deter. It's like the death penalty. Kill this one, and the rest won't even dare attempt the crime. As a teen if you bring up the idea of getting into politics with the goal of running AGAINST the PAP, what do people tell you?

Remember JBJ.

Voila, almost no real political opposition. Good job, PAP.

Now don't get me wrong. I'm not saying we shouldn't be sensible about what we say publicly (and yes, blogs are public. get that into your head now.). By all means, let that Asian pragmatism help keep you safe. But reacting out of fear and paranoia is a different thing. Face it, you're scared. and you've played right into the hands of the people trying to keep you down. You know that when it comes to many issues (e.g. freedom of speech) they don't rule with logic or reason. They rule with fear. And oh do they feed on it.

It's a little ironic, don't you think? Blog after blog going on and on and on about freedom of speech and how unfair it is that Singapore doesn't really allow it. Damn the government! Damn the system! Oh wait. someone got in trouble. All of a sudden, everyone turns and runs, tail between their legs. Kudos to you, you're the model Singaporean citizen. You're exactly what they want (except when they're wondering why there isn't more innovation and creativity... but that's an issue for another day.)

It's that damn Asian pragmatism again, isn't it. I want my liberties, but you're crazy if you think I'M going to suffer for them. Let someone else put up the fight. I'll give him moral support. But keep me out of it. Just hand me the trophy later.

Do you expect the government to just give you what you want because some other government gave it to their people? no chance in hell, comrades.

It's funny. I think the blogosphere of all places would be the perfect place to raise the critical mass needed for change. A network of people that cannot be reasonably and practically policed. It's like downloading music. they can't sue everyone. and they know it! But hit a big one early, and hopefully you can scare everyone else into silence. So yeah. go ahead and let them. All these voices suddenly silent.

What made me sad was not that the average blogger was scared shitless. It was hearing about good, well-written blogs with a clearly established readership deciding to fold. Think about what you're doing. You who write political blogs in particular. who have a following, or at least a reader base. You fold, and you communicate paranoia. You set an example. You continue the domino pattern, only your piece is connected to many many new domino lines. if a leader falls, what can its following do but scatter?

So falls the Singaporean blogosphere.

Actually, no. The Singaporean blogosphere hasn't fallen. and it won't. It's just been neutered.

Of course, you'll tell me that I don't understand. I don't live in Singapore anymore, and hell, I'm not even a citizen any longer (though that reminds me, I should take back my CPF). and you're right. I don't have much to fear, so of course I can say whatever I want. It helps that I don't personally care much for freedom of speech (that is, until they start putting guns to my head for what I say in my living room) anyway. So yes. I'm really not in a position to comment that much. But I have my opinions anyway, so deal with it :)

At the end of it all, be careful. but don't be paranoid. I think one reason why bloggers have freaked out is that people say things in their blog without thinking. It's almost a stream of consciousness thing. If you want freedom of speech, but don't have it yet, choose your battles wisely. if it's something that might get you in trouble (and i imagine most things won't), make sure you really care about saying it before you publish it. Don't fall silent, just choose your words more carefully.

and remember: there's no such thing as a free lunch. Change comes with a cost.

*steps off soapbox and waits for the lynch mob*

something good has come of Star Wars...

2005-04-29T20:28:00.000-05:00

http://us.mms.com/us/mpire/

finally. a candy that can reflect my mood while simultaneously curing it. AND it comes with peanuts too. mmmmm.

depression has hit hard this week. ok. not depression. just depressive-ness. have been tired and kinda blue. easily made to feel crappy, very disillusioned, and quite lost.

some brief metacognition

2005-04-26T10:34:00.000-05:00

"How can one simultaneously overestimate one's abilities, and yet have a deflated sense of self-worth?"

- JP

an age old question. My take on it is that it is often due to one or more of the following:

reactionary over-correction - one leads to the other in a chicken-and-egg sort of way. (a) low self-esteem + self-preservation = overestimation of abilities, BUT simultaneously we also have (b) overestimation + self-awareness = lowered self-esteem. This can either be thought of as a dynamic equilibrium, or as a back and forth rapid cycle. if the latter is rapid enough, the two should look the same.
a variant on (1): overestimation may not be due (intially or at all) to self-preservation but perhaps simple arrogance, or simply mis-estimation in between moments of self-awareness. this can enter the equilibrium or cycle described in (1), or it could fall into steady state: constant overestimation (never due to self-preservation) -> constant realization (awareness)
for some reason not drawing self-worth from the overestimated ability in question. i.e. you truly think you are better at X than you really are (not self-aware), but X is not valuable to you
self-worth often takes two inputs: what you think of yourself, and what others think (actually, what you think others think) of you. It may well be that you have an over-inflated opinion of your abilities, but that you think other people don't know how good you are, or don't care about the ability in question (like in (3)), or are jealous, or SOMETHING. you get the idea.
if the person in question is not you but someone else(meaning, you are not privy to said person's internal workings), it may not be actual over-estimation but rather over-representation - i.e. a bluff - a common result of low self-esteem.

on a separate note, there was a hilarious parody of 'I'm a Believer' on some classic rock station this morning. I can't seem to find it online anywhere.... but basically it was all about allergies: 'Pollen in my face.... now i'm a big sneezer' ;) heh.heh.heh.

hm

2005-04-23T19:04:00.000-05:00

i have discovered that i am not opposed to racial (and sexual... etcetc) discrimination. i AM opposed to blind bigotry, which often gets confused with discrimination. but making a decision regarding an individual based on population differences is something we do all the time (think about the population of degree holders vs the population of non-degree holders), and mostly no one thinks twice about it. it seems that some population distinctions are touchier subjects than others, but i see no reason to modify a rational opinion simply because society is touchy.

ENDORPHIN RUSH

2005-04-22T08:36:00.000-05:00

hellooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

i just rode my bike to work. ok, I'm quite sad in that it took me 1.5h to do about 12.1 miles. but factor in traffic and hills and detours and getting lost, and it's not all THAT bad. in any case, i've been absolutely HYPER since getting here... and pears have never tasted this sweet before!

anyway. I've decided I want to do the city to shore MS150 ride in the fall. basically riders sign up to ride various routes, and people sponsor them, and all the $$$ goes towards multiple sclerosis research. FAIR WARNING: I will be asking you for money soon ;) anyhow. the traditional length is 75 miles/day for two days, and i think that's what I'm gonna aim for. It's supposed to be flat terrain, so I think I should be able to manage it (in 4 months time, that is!). and given my history, the thought of me riding 150 miles in a weekend (which is what.... about 240 km?) should be enough incentive for you guys to throw some money at MS research, eh? ;)

ok i guess i should go put all this energy towards some productive work....

wheeeeeeeeeeeeee...............

my get-fit scheme

2005-04-16T13:54:00.000-05:00

so i am nicely on my way to my goal of biking to valley forge this summer for a day trip. The trail to Valley Forge from the Art Museum is estimated at 20 miles one way. So today I decided to do a much shorter loop on familiar ground to find out where my limit was and how much work I needed to do. turns out 20 miles isn't all that daunting really... I biked 15 miles all in today, and wasn't quite worn out when I got home! so much for a 'much shorter' loop though. turned out the bridge I was expecting to see near the museum was actually about 5 miles further up the river, beyond Ridge Av. hehe. so I basically just kept going till I found it... and on the way back on the other side of the river I was planning to try to get on Girard to make the loop shorter, but you can't get onto Girard from the bike path, so I had to go back to Spring Garden instead. Didn't really mind, and that's all good to know for future rides anyway.

The river is gorgeous this time of year, too. The cherry blossoms are all out in their full glory, along with other random flowering trees that i don't know the names of... and the far side of the river is soooo quiet and peaceful. Pedestrians usually stick to the art museum side. PLUS, the blue skies reflecting in the river make you want to almost believe that the schuylkill ISN'T the nasty, sludgefilled pit that it really is. It really looked quite pretty today!

The only sad bit was that after getting back to west philly I had stopped to get ice cream from an ice cream truck... being in a bit of a sketchy neighbourhood I didn't want to stop there to eat so I rode away with one hand while eating with the other hand. all was well for quite a stretch and I got through about half the ice cream when I hit a bad bump and the cone BROKE, leaving me with the bottom tip of the cone that of course has no icecream in it. :(

still all in all a good workout and a nice ride. :) Valley Forge here I come!!

aldohexoses

2005-04-14T10:42:00.000-05:00

Overheard in organic chemistry class (2 girls talking about aldohexose mnemonics):

"Did you see those mnemonics people submitted on Dr Price's webpage?"
"Yeah.. Oh my god there was this one, you know, the 'allied altruists' or something one... the first three letters of each word totally matched. I was like, yknow, that is so, like, impressive..."

I think I've hit my peak for fame and glory.

(you can see said mnemonic here. The sugars are, of course, allose, altose, glucose, mannose, gulose, idose, galactose and talose.)

cantaloupe

2005-04-12T17:10:00.000-05:00

and i just remembered we still haven't eaten the damn cantaloupe yet. !!

oh well. it'll be a nice dessert tonight ;P

bah.

2005-04-12T16:42:00.000-05:00

ok. so biking half way to work is useless. i biked to broad street today to get some exercise and avoid taking the blue line. instead, i just got on the orange line at broad st, thus only making one subway trip instead of two to get to work. however, upon returning to my bike after work, i found that center city, at rush hour, is a cyclist's nightmare. too many pedestrians on the sidewalk and -- not a traffic jam, that would've been better -- very constant traffic. thus making it almost impossible to merge in. especially since as a cyclist you're starting from the sidewalk and aren't considered a legitimate vehicle by most drivers ANYWAY.

so i walked about 4 blocks before i could get in the road. anyway. i get to DRL where my chem exam will be, and try to get some food seeing as today all i've had is a small packet of Doritos and an apple-cinnamon muffin. i try to get a hotdog from the foodtruck outside DRL and succeed however it takes FOREVER because the lady inside insists on doing everything at the pace of.... i dunno. something very slow. not inspired at the moment, sorry.

THEN, i get to the library (3rd floor) and find a computer and start looking up chem stuff. i realise i desperately need to go to the bathroom. so i go in search of one. for any of you not having been blessed with a first-hand DRL experience, the building is a frigging MAZE. after having found TWO men's rooms and gone down about 6 different hallways, I decide to ask the girl walking towards me where the nearest ladies is. of course right as i'm about to open my mouth, i pass the ladies, so i shut my mouth, having said nothing and realising i look very foolish, and run for the nearest cubicle.

and then i get back to the library and find someone has taken over the terminal i was using, despite having left all my stuff there and windows open etc.

bah, bah, and MORE BAH.

oh and it looks like i'm not gonna do so hot for this exam EITHER.

EVEN MORE BAH.

what's my whatever?

2005-04-10T13:04:00.000-05:00

three posts in a day... you can tell i really don't want to do any work.

but anyway. here's a very good point by J (not to be confused with the other J whose blog i referenced earlier today(coincidentally, the same blog that this J references... this incestuous blog-linking is gonna catch up with us at some point, isn't it...?). dammit, why do so many of my friends' names begin with J??). pardon the nested parentheses. he makes the good point that unthinkingly we all too often tell people what they seem to want to hear rather than what would actually do them good to hear, especially since they seem to be at least slightly insecure about the specific quality of theirs in question.

after all, we need to live in reality. and in reality, we're all seriously flawed. we need to be loved, yes. but more importantly, we need to know that -we- are loved, flaws and all, not some idealized notion of us. we don't need to be f***ing perfect. to illustrate the point, here's a lovely personal anecdote just to prove you can actually do this without mortally wounding people. as a freshman with vulnerable self esteem I asked S if I was an impatient person (ok. you can stop laughing now.). he said 'yeah, but that's ok.'. so i was actually expecting the typical 'no not at all' response, and i was a little taken aback. however it was just about the most affirming thing i heard all throughout my college career. and it even made me address the fact that dammit, i am an impatient person, and i should probably work on that. but in the meantime, there's someone out there who cares about me anyway. (even if he is currently stuck in S.Korea). yay.

and for the record, if you think i'm fat, you can tell me. i can take it!! ;P *goes to eat more peanut butter from the bottle..mmm..*

p/s: of note however, is the distinction between honesty and insensitivity. but that's a post for another day.....

academic integrity (or lack thereof)

2005-04-10T11:30:00.000-05:00

kudos to J for linking to this . amazing. I can't wait to find out what happens. what astounds me is the sheer number of people who have commented on that blog and said that the guy was mean because he didn't consider the girl's feelings. to hell with her feelings, I say. I am proud to be one of those people who did all their own work throughout college and high school, and who flunked papers rather than turn in someone else's work. as for feelings, well what are people supposed to feel when they cheat? good? happy? i certainly didn't feel good when i tried to cheat on some multiple choice test in primary school (which I believe I still flunked), and that was most definitely very good for me. now there's no sense in condemning people for experiencing temptation. there IS however a lot of sense in making people face the consequences of their actions. if you're crummy enough to cheat, and stupid enough to get caught, i'm not sure that anyone ought to give a whit about your feelings at that point.

especially funny: the comment about people who go partying and come back with too much of a hangover to do their own work. (search for Sigma Chi if you want to find it). because of course, we want to encourage that sort of behavior. geez.

but i don't WANT to study...

2005-04-10T10:56:00.000-05:00

*wails* :P no wonder i don't do well in this class.

but anyway. have i mentioned that the weather has finally turned decent? and the big tree in our yard has decided to flower. big, pink flowers with waxy petals... really gorgeous. i must say that much as i'm coming to hate winter, there really is something to be said for seeing the world come back to life (which of course, you can't see if it never dies).

and i've bought bike! a red (don't you love red) Jamis that is MUCH lighter than my previous bike. unfortunately has no suspension, but i think i'll survive that. valley forge, here I come!! after the exams are over of course. for now i shall content myself with riding to the supermarket and to 30th street station or maybe Broad St (my plan is to ride at least part way to work every day). heh. riding back from the store yesterday with two heavy bags of groceries balanced on my handlebars... about half-way home i starting kicking myself for buying cantaloupe(rock melon?), today of all days.... but it smells sweet and ripe and i think we shall eat all of it tonight - yay :)

oh and here: the good weather one particular monday afternoon when i had for once nothing to do between work and class inspired this .

drip-drip- drop, little april shower....

2005-04-02T16:40:00.000-05:00

hands up who knows the disney song this post's title line refers to.... ;)

right. anyhow. haven't seen the sun since yesterday afternoon, in part because I haven't gone outside today, and in part because it's RAINING. AGAIN. BAH. oh well. at least it isn't snow. part of me wishes it would REALLY rain. miss those good ol singaporean monsoons. but on the other hand, given that my roof is leaking and my landlord is a bastard and won't get it repaired, i should be thankful it's only raining lightly. ;)

mind is whirling with Python code at the moment. having scripting projects to do every so often is fun, but because it's only every so often i wind up having to re-learn things over and over. that said i love Python and what working with it has done for my ability to hold onto multi-dimensional lists in my head. i remember thinking, when I learned Python initially, that it was just like any other language in how it gave me a new way to frame concepts. which, i think, is fundamentally what i enjoy about language learning.

on an unrelated note, i got unspeakably depressed the other night (don't be worried, unspeakable depression is a common entry in esther's book.... and it's also usually quite transient, thank goodness) about how 'no one really knows me'. damn melodrama. but anyway. just this feeling that people at home don't really know what to do with the americanized side of me -- when i talk to people on the phone i always get a hard time about my angmoh slang or my funny accent, and people ALWAYS go on about how much i've changed, as if somehow they thought i would live for 5 years somewhere else and still come home the same. and then the people here can't deal with any singaporean slang i come up with, and for the most part, aren't interested at all. so poor A has had to deal with me going on about how 'you don't really KNOW me, and you never WILL, and NO ONE ever will, and...' etc. yes. i know very sad. but true, unfortunately. and a recurring obsession with me, too, this notion about not belonging, or people not really knowing who i am. i'm not really sure why i care, even, just that i do.

ok. back to figuring out how to do this damn permutation analysis....

what's in a name

2005-03-27T21:08:00.000-05:00

(as you can see I'm trying very hard not to study for biochem exam... ;P)

Estér
إﺳﺘﺮ
R-(C=O)-O-R (heh)
エスタ
Esther
应心
எஸதர

pardon any mistakes.... esp in the Tamil, which I learnt in second grade, and the Arabic which I never really learnt. ;P

Of note: the chinese characters are the only set that isn't phonetically related to the others, it's a whole other name. (but mine nonetheless....)

Singapura, O Singapura

2005-03-26T21:29:00.000-05:00

sunny island set in the sea
Singapura, O Singapura
pretty flowers bloom for you and me
Come along, join the song in merry singing.........

murplh. Thanks N for the link to this article from '93 about Singapore. It's odd. Reading that piece by Gibson makes me wonder how I would perceive my home country if I were to see it for the first time now, from the perspective of the amalgam I have become after 5 years in good old Philadelphia. I spent 15 years in Singapore, disliking a great many things about it, but it was home anyway. Then I came to the good old US of A. whereupon I discovered that hey, I miss a lot of things about Singapore (primarily the food, which even Gibson couldn't fail to compliment). I've been going back and forth these last five years. Some days I find myself defending my country, pointing out its successes, detailing the things i do love and miss. Some days I am so so happy not to be there at all.

what do I miss? Food. Cleanliness. I'm telling you. Come ride the Philly subway twice daily. You will miss Singapore and it's no littering, no spitting and no urinating in public places policy. Plus those dedicated cleaners who are constantly trying to mop your feet off the floor. I miss the humour. Complain about the restrictive society all you want, but i think there's a sense of humour that's evolved to cope with that, which I miss.

what do I fear about going back? the herd mentality. It's not that you can't be a dreamer in Singapore. It's not that you can't take time off and travel. It's not that you can't be carefree every so often or do crazy things. You can. it just seems like you have to fight the system and go against the norm to do it. like you become a lone axon firing desperately despite a whole lot of inhibitory dendritic input.

Not entirely true, but that's the stereotype that frustrated Singaporean youths like to paint. I think it's the lack of variance that is the hardest to cope with. America has plenty of its own materialist all-i-want-is-a-cushy-house-and-a-membership-at-a-country-club types. it has its high-flyers and money-makers, its corporate execs, its workaholics (come visit my lab), its resigned middle class, its lovers of the status quo. But what America has (along with its own host of related other-problems), is variance. The standard distribution is larger. (pardon me as I screw up my statistics) The bell curve is fatter. For those of us who chafe at being put in a box and told to be glad it has windows, America offers a wee bit more wiggle room, and occasionally some roof access.

That said, a lot of my friends back home have taken charge of their lives in a far more deliberate fashion than I have. Gone out of their way to learn this or that, gain this or that experience. Many of them have seen more of the world than I have (save the Philadelphia subway, but you're not missing anything). Perhaps its because you have to try harder. maybe it was the fear of not being able to do it later on.

at the end of the day is my life so very different from my friends' back home? I work 9-5 , 5 days a week. I often come home after work, cook dinner, watch some TV, stress out about work, go to sleep, start all over again. Perhaps the difference is that my boss often tells me to take more time off. don't stress so much. In truth it's probably my Singaporean upbringing that gives me stress rather than anything about my workplace. perhaps its the substrate, not the activity that makes the difference. access to different books? different educational programs? I plan to apply to med school in 06, matriculate in 07... long after most of my med sch friends in singapore will have graduated. different life-plans?

I don't know, and I probably won't know unless I go home to live and work. in the meantime though, if you're in Singapore, please do admire the shiny floors, be nice to the cleaners, enjoy the prata and the seafood, and be glad your subway system doesn't smell of puke.

yknow Philadelphia is very poorly run in comparison to Singapore. Singapore has an edge in terms of efficiency, cleanliness, lower crime rates, racial harmony, a higher standard of living, and a more pleasant (aesthetically) environment. The question is, at what price?

just thoughts.

all animals are equal, but...

2005-03-26T18:16:00.000-05:00

so i don't really know who this guy is to begin with, but kudos to him for the whole 'we aren't really equal' spiel. america is insanely frustrating on this count. the two things people like to forget: 1) equal in value is different from equal in ability. (the even more PiC question: what basis do we have for thinking we're all equal in value anyway?) 2) there is a difference between making generalized statements about groups and discriminating against an individual on the basis of his/her group membership. trends can be true, and statements about group differences can be true without necessitating that they hold true down to the comparison of every individual between the groups. and quite frankly, all else being equal (heh) then I don't see why that group difference couldn't be used as a deciding factor anyway.

*goes to get ready for the lynch mob*

the whirlwind begins to die

2005-03-25T22:51:00.000-05:00

or at least the external one does. this afternoon's meeting marked the end of our visiting researcher's visit to philadelphia with the purpose of long extended meetings about a whole plethora of topics. The man is brilliant, it is a privilege to meet and work with him, to be sure, and I have certainly enjoyed these meetings, but they are wildly exhausting. Not that I mind. I'm pretty sure I would rather tire my brain out than have it lay dormant in apathy or lethargy.

I plan to wind down this evening by finally doing dishes and attempting to get through the first chapter ('Free Will') of 'Neurophilosophy of Free Will'. So far, based on the first 19 pages, it promises to be a fairly engaging discussion rather than a hopelessly circular or pointless one, which is still my general impression of the field of Philosophy.

I'm growing more and more frustrated by the disconnect between philosophy, psychology and neuroscience. O, Mind-Brain, in how many ways can we study thee? Let us count the ways. Or rather, in how many completely discrete ways....
separate from that though is this question as to what I want to do with my life?

My PI told me today that given the increasing pressures associated with the academic lifestyle, her advice to aspiring researchers is that if you can lead a fulfilling life with some other career, then do so. Only enter the realm of academics if you cannot live without it.

So. what DO I want? I keep feeling like I just want to quit this whole civilised lifestyle thing and move off to either a developing country or the wilderness. be gautama or be a hermit. just for awhile. i'm pretty sure that the hermit idea is a bad one. but the gautama thing doesn't go away so easily. I got the MSF monthly newsletter today and all I could think was that I wanted to join in and help out. that doesn't go so well with the career in neuroscience research though. but the whole doctoring without the researching doesn't really appeal either. dunno. trying to decide at this point if I should wait till next summer and apply to MD/PhD programs, which would mean matriculating in '07, and putting research on hold, sort of, for 2 years of basic medicine, or apply this fall to PhD programs, which would mean matriculating next fall but never having the medical education.

i think i'm leaning heavily towards the mudphudding, because

a) time off from active research would give me time to rest a bit and think more about where I personally want to go with things

b)i think the medical education would really speak to the kind of research i want to do

c)the doctoring and seeing patients in a clinical capacity is really a big part of what i want in my life (i just have to figure out how to fit it with the other bits), and is portable to the developing world, which is key. the neuroscience research isn't quite as portable....

but see that involves me being patient. bah. and staying focused for another 2 years before i can lock myself into a program and let that momentum carry me for a bit. all this self-motivation and decision making is... beyond me.

ook all those interruptions to this post have added up and it's bedtime. past my bedtime, actually, since it's 10.50pm. so much for hendrik walter (the neurophil stuff)..... *yawn*

TGIF - TG = IF

2005-03-25T11:49:00.000-05:00

it's friday (yay). Why does gratitude imply or necessitate having someone to thank? It's not like I'm not grateful when good things come my way, but if I don't think that some external agent deliberately caused it, then what do I do? Can't I just be grateful without thanking Somebody specifically?

anyway. it's been an odd week. yesterday in particular was a whirlwind of whirlwind days. including an aphasic patient who in 5 short minutes tried to discuss with me my apparent atheism and terri schiavo's right to die.

(For my singaporean audience, terri schiavo(SHY-vo) has been at the center of a horrendous legal battle where her parents are desperate to keep her on a feeding tube (she's been in a coma/vegetative state for 15 years) and her husband has been fighting since day one apparently, to have it removed based on wishes which she had verbalized to him previously, namely that she did not wish to be kept alive in such a state.)

and the whirlwind never ends.... inspired by wanting 'something to do' on the subway, which I spend 1.5h on every weekday, I have purchased The Dynamic Neuron, Neurophilosophy of Free Will, Lingua Ex Machina, and The Myth of Pain. As if I didn't have enough books to read already, but then again MITpress was having a 60%-off sale. Also bought one of those learn-spanish-on-your-own books+CD sets, in hopes of getting my spanish closer to up-to-speed before spending a month this summer in mexico. ALSO bought Joseph Conrad's Heart of Darkness in Grade 2 Braille... I think I have Grade 1 pretty much down, and Grade 2 looks like fun.... albeit harder.

I swear I must have ADD. let's see how much of this I actually get through. and of course, I really should be studying for my biochemistry exam on monday. yeaaaahhhh. and actually doing work instead of blogging.

*runs away*

how long, O lord....

2005-03-22T17:24:00.000-05:00

going to a class where there will be a test which I have yet to really study for which is a situation that has really happened far too many times. nervous from work and worried about school. hungry but cashless -- not broke! -- and no atm between here and there. bah, and bah again.

only the next weekend to look forward to, when I will have to study for the following week's biochemistry exam. bah, and bah, and bah again. mierda, I say.

Hello, World

2005-03-19T13:00:00.000-05:00

>python
>>print "Hello, World"
Hello, World
>>

I honestly do wonder why more people don't use Python. not that I can anymore, really. yet another skill has bitten the dust. me and my jack-of-all-trades nonsense.

anyway. i decided it would be good to get thoughts to paper every so often and simultaneously keep various people all over the globe up to date on what goes on over here, and in my head.

nothing terribly profound at the moment though, since the sugar coma from my breakfast (two over-easy eggs, hashbrowns, sausages and french toast stuffed with cream cheese and topped with cinnamon apples and whipped cream) is right about to set in. *mmmm*

wondering that the title of this blog refers to? you probably weren't quite in touch with me last january. either that or you were but you didn't pay enough attention in Sec3 lit class. ;P anyway. for the completely unaware.... see here.

will hopefully keep this somewhat sporadically updated.

talk to me

2000-12-31T23:59:00.000-05:00

I wish you spoke that celestial speech
that sometimes always seems to reach
inside me where my Thoughts lie milling
in swirling clouds, constantly filling
my mind with furiously sleeping green
Ideas -- uncolored until seen;
Oh, if you could only learn to speak
some decent Extralinguistique
perhaps you could then browse my Soul
and read non-linearly as a whole
the essence of my Being and then
you'd have grokked beyond my own ken
my Who; amid constellations we'd
discuss that which we want and need
from Life and from this heartbeat; yes,
Communication would then lack the stress
of finding the right words to use
and needing to always carefully choose
them. I'd be free to share each thought
in its rightful Context, carefully wrought
as part of a concentric-layered leek-
like mesh; en-onioned, so to speak
by intimately nested energy fields.
it's funny how our Language yields
us often less than what we say
-- and prompts a desire for Some Day
when we could live, fully unconstrained
by the Syntax and Semantics trained
into us by the only world we know of;
understanding me wouldn't be unheard of
if you were only fluent in the Language of the Stars.

january seven through eight two thousand and four

lazy days

2000-12-31T23:29:00.000-05:00

'twas a humorous picture to see of yours truly
getting cinnamon sugar on strands of unruly
hair; licking the crystals off thumb and index
to savor the taste, this mindless windex
of nails then followed by obligatory hasty
buffs on my coat before returning to those tasty
fragments still left of an overpriced, Auntie Anne's soft
pretzel; then turning my attention aloft
to the balmy, too-good-to-be-true kind of weather
it struck me that it seemed like it had been forever
since feeling this splash of the wind on my face
and proceeding to whip more damn hairs out of place
it further conspired with the clouds and the sun
to wreak havoc on one who had just barely come
into adulthood. i felt myself slowly come into
that stillness that somehow is oddly akin to
terminal velocity -- here one should note
that in skydiving you do seem at some point to float
as all vertical forces cancel out nicely
to leave you mid-skydive with nearly precisely
zero acceleration thus giving the illusion
of no longer falling. i love that collusion
of the drag force in air and its old partner Gravity
to let you experience both kinds of levity
at once; but back to our previous discussion
of that chaotic calm which is some repercussion
caused by an external force that's in synch
with your internal rhythm thus letting you sink
or perhaps fly one might say into resonant amplitude;
one can't help but love that untouchable solitude
of being alone at one's own natural frequency
oddly relaxed despite tension and a piquancy
loved for its flavor -- that unbridled zest
of being in motion while still somehow at rest;
then it seemed i could hear that strange tongue of remote
places where curves go to meet their asymptotes --
no words were used still they spoke to each other,
my soul and my mind like two intertwined lovers
who laughed with a music that blended fraternity
and eros; one sang the tune taught by Eternity
the other the counterpoint learned from the Now
and apart from them both but yet one with them somehow
i gleefully lost, for a few blessed moments,
myself in that strong, most compelling of currents;
like a child on a swing where the chains are attached
to the stars, I grew somehow just slightly detached
from the world yet in some way more deeply conjoined
to it; symphonic and strong but still quietly poi-
gnant, the music around me then swelled into silence
returning me gently to familiar confinements;
i longed to go sit where the sun met the grass
and staunchly forbid that these moments should pass,
yet somehow i knew it would be neither becoming
nor useful to do so; as such, overcoming
the urge, i allowed that rich tempest to go by
on condition that on no account should it die
but instead lie in wait for the next time i met with myself.